funny lyrics / stand up comedy

The_Anima7or

The Rook
Man, i was just walkin down the street tryin to find me something to eat when i ran across this freak, who was talkin' bout trying to..sell some pussy to me for about 40$ a nut.. i like to nut like 3 times so thats 120$ i could of saved if this b**** would just give me some pussy for free.. man, but she wouldnt listen to me.. so i just assumed id get some head for a minute or two..

yeah my dick is long and skinny but it do make room, put it in your gal, stir it like a kool aid spoon

i came back, just to grab me another fat sack of the.. green leafy thing i found in the field.

we work nights we some vampires.. n*ggas gather round the weed like a campfire..singin folks songs but not no kumbaya my lord

"yeah i'd like to buy a geo metro", "a geo metro really?... ive got heroin"

like guys who can turn anything into a pipe, like little stoney Macgyvers? like i come home and i ask, "why doesnt the VCR work?" "its a fu*kin' pipe duuude!, check it out, you put your weed where the tape goes and press play.. and it plays it... in your head"

one of my buddies works for a..porn company.. and he gave me 20 pornos, which you think thats a good gift, but its a horrible gift.. because its way too much porn to get at once.. i didn't leave my house for 2 months.. i left my house and i was like "who's president?"

like i always tell you had to be there stories, you know like when you tell a story and and you totally had to be there for it to be funny, you are half way through telling it but in your head you are like "abort story, abort" but you keep telling it?

as i walk through the valley where i harvest my grain, i take a look at my wife and realize she is very plain.
tonight we gonna party like its 1699

i churn butter once or twice livin in Amish paradise

my room mate is a male dancer, one of those Chippendale guys, and he shaves his Wuevos. i knew this because i looked in the sink and said to myself, "this hair does not grow on a chin" and you have to ask, do they make an aftershave for that? Wuevos splash! for the man who shaves his Wuevos



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